The Babylon Bee Presents: The Top 10 Wokest Bible Characters

by akoloy

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It’s 2021, so by now, you must notice Christianity is all about social justice and liberating these saved down by white patriarchial cis-normative techniques of oppression. Jesus stated it finest when he uttered the timeless command: “Go forth into all the nations, and loot them until they become Socialists.” 

But Jesus wasn’t the one one! There are a ton of nice examples of heavenly wokeness within the scriptures. Here are the highest 10.

Lucifer – He rebelled in opposition to the unique patriarch and liberated himself. The unique woke hero!

Eve – Lucifer’s first scholar, she based the ladies’s liberation motion. Ain’t nobody gonna inform her what to do! You go, woman! 

Pharaoh of Egypt – He arrange lots of of compassionate reproductive healthcare services in city Hebrew areas to assist them deal with their firstborns.

Onan – Pioneered contraception. We’ll depart it at that. Go ask your dad and mom. 

Jezebel – She hunted down loopy prophets who have been spreading a ton of faux information.

Pharisees – They pioneered the enforcement of strict social distancing legal guidelines. Way to go, guys! 

The robbers who beat up the traveler within the story of the great Samaritan – They have been simply protesting their oppression. We applaud their bravery. 

The prodigal son – At least till he chickened out and got here again to his overbearing dad.

The Antichrist – A devoted globalist hero who pioneers monitoring know-how for everybody’s security.

The harlot driving the beast – Refused to be slut-shamed. Slay queen!

The Bible is simply crammed with heroes to emulate! Now go forth, and be woke! 

NOT SATIRE: Alpha and Omega Playing Cards are 3 decks of totally customized, hand-drawn, poker-size taking part in playing cards fantastically depicting among the most vital intervals of Church historical past in helpful sport items. Each deck within the collection covers a special time: the Early Church, the Protestant Reformation, and the Great Awakening.


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