MINNEAPOLIS, MN—The Minneapolis City Council has voted unanimously for the equitable distribution of looting passports to peaceable protestors.
“It can be confusing for citizens to know if a crime is acceptable or not based on the ebb and flow of the City Council’s agenda,” stated Councilperson Maria Saliva. “With looting passports, protestors can know when it’s OK to loot stores and destroy businesses in the name of social justice.”
Looting passports couldn’t come at a greater time, as eight months have handed since looting was in vogue, and lots of peaceable protestors are in dire want of up to date name-brand clothes and larger TVs.
When requested whether or not he believed looting passports may very well be seen as unfairly punishing sincere enterprise homeowners, President Biden replied, “Well, you can’t swat a cow gator without priming the barrel bark, which gobbles up the huffles for good ol’ spazamaturble. You know?”
At press time, the City Council was discussing the logistics of distributing the passports based mostly on a citizen’s melanin ranges.
“Obviously, fighting the oppression of white supremacy and ushering in a utopia of equity for all begins with looting,” acknowledged a council member for Minneapolis from his suburban mansion surrounded by police.