The Bee Explains: Catholics Vs. Protestants

by akoloy


The Bee Explains: Catholics Vs. Protestants


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To the uninitiated, the variations between Catholics and Protestants could also be complicated. Why the humorous hats? What’s with all of the casseroles? Why are they all the time burning one another on the stake? 

The Babylon Bee is right here to put all of your questions and considerations to relaxation. We are consultants in Protestantism, and we even employed a Catholic intern so we would know extra about Catholicism. Read and be taught!

 

Definitions

Catholicism: The true Church, established by Jesus himself, with humorous hats. 

Protestantism: The true church, established by Jesus himself, earlier than the Catholics ruined it with their humorous hats.

 

Origins

Catholicism: Jesus gathered a papal conclave of the College of Cardinals, the place they issued Saint Peter the primary official Pope hat and Popemobile. He then cooked fried fish with malt vinegar and white smoke rose from the flames, signaling the election of the primary Pope.

Protestantism: One day, a triggered snowflake named Martin Luther nailed an incendiary touch upon a large door– inflicting him to get excommunicated. He then went into hiding at Wartburg Castle to translate the Bible and invent the world’s first Chick-fil-A sandwich. Things actually bought dicey when he began passing out AR-15s to the peasants. 

 

Doctrine

Catholicism: Do regardless of the Pope says and kiss relics and pray whereas lighting a number of candles. If you might have extra cash you should utilize it to spring folks out of purgatory. Feel actually responsible on a regular basis.

Protestantism: Do no matter Pastor Bob says and purchase a number of weapons and Chick-fil-A. Vote Republican. Never really feel responsible about something, ever. 

 

Famous adherents 

Catholicism: The Apostle Peter, Mary, James the Brother of Jesus, Mel Gibson, that priest from The Exorcist, like each Hispanic grandma ever, Joe Biden, Pope Francis (perhaps).

Protestantism: The Apostle Paul, Martin Luther, pastors who wish to put on cool garments and have laser mild reveals each Sunday, Joel Osteen.

 

Prominent works

Catholicism: The definitive 73 books of the Bible, The Sistine Chapel, St Peter’s Basilica, The Mona Lisa

Protestantism: The definitive 66 books of the Bible, God’s Not Dead, VeggieTales, Adult coloring books

 

Weaknesses

Catholics: Low blood sugar from fasting, dangerous knees from kneeling.

Protestants: Defenseless towards vampires.

 

How to identify a devotee

Catholics: They are most likely consuming beer, like quite a lot of beer. They additionally actually don’t like abortion. Orders quick meals in Latin, would possibly put on a type of collar issues or a large hat. You additionally would possibly spot some rosary beads hanging of their automobiles as a ornament. Usually accompanied by round 16 children. 

Protestants: Hard to identify as a result of they give the impression of being precisely just like the world.


NOT SATIRE: Alpha and Omega Playing Cards are 3 decks of absolutely customized, hand-drawn, poker-size taking part in playing cards fantastically depicting among the most important intervals of Church historical past in helpful recreation items. Each deck within the sequence covers a special time: the Early Church, the Protestant Reformation, and the Great Awakening. 






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