WASHINGTON, D.C.—In what many are calling a regarding signal, CDC Director Rochelle Walensky gave a peaceful, rational, science-driven pandemic replace yesterday, all whereas holding an indication studying “The End Is Near.”
“I’m sorry, Dr. Walensky — should we be concerned? You’re holding a sign that suggests impending doom,” mentioned one reporter.
But Walensky reassured the press that every thing is ok and that science will save us.
“We must follow the science and remain calm. Also, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE, RUN FOR THE HILLS!” she screamed. “FIRE! BRIMSTONE! DEATH! IT’S COMING FOR ALL OF US!”
“Finally,” she continued after calming down, “we’d like to encourage everyone to continue to wear an average of 2.5 masks whenever you must go out, which should be rare. Additionally, DEATH IS FAST APPROACHING EACH ONE OF US AND THERE IS NO ESCAPE! EMBRACE YOUR DOOM!!!”
Dr. Walensky then pulled out a number of scientific instruments to help her speculation of impending doom, from tea leaves and a crystal ball to a deck of tarot playing cards. She drew the highest card of the deck: “IT’S DEATH!” she cried. “THE CARDS HAVE SPOKEN! WE CANNOT RUN FROM OUR FATE!”
“THE APOCALYPSE IS NIGH! SAVE YOURSELVES!!!”
The CDC Director then lit her hair on hearth and ran outdoors and threw herself off a cliff. The media shortly praised her and the Biden administration for his or her calm, reassuring demeanor.